Who dives first (if at all)? He or She

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Is oral sex still a taboo in Jamaica? is it slowly becoming a norm? or is it a normative practice already but still facing resistance from a few stubborn traditionalists? Well, to me in any society, culture is the driver of norms and value systems and I think it’s safe to say our culture has accepted oral sex as a part of conventional intercourse, but to an extent. Unfortunately for our trying culture, this acceptance is embraced on the heels of a double standard hell-bent on standing firm, “’cause badman nu bow”. So maybe it’s the men, some of them at least, whom are holding back culture from fully leveling the playing field. But have you ever stopped to think that maybe the women, some of them at least, have something to do with this as well? I think some of the women actually encourage this double standard and here’s why I say it.

When Dancehall artiste Vybz Kartel, whom I would credit for being the instigator of this cultural revolution, came out with the hit single “freaky gyal”, at first it was met with mixed reviews. Of course the men praised him for coming out so bold and machismo with it, but most women were either quiet about their opinions or vaguely rejected the song.  After a time now, when the song started to climb the radio waves and dominate the radios of every taxi and coaster bus, women sneakingly started to change their minds; this started with quiet nods of their heads to the song when it was being played in the party, taxi, bus, anywhere; to now where women gyrating with conviction to this anthem of  sexual liberation.

The way the woman is portrayed in these song lyrics, seems to be very empowering to some (though submissive) and I beg to argue that the female community have actually come to appreciate this (subconsciously). But, let’s bring the discussion back to where it was intended to go, which is to have some discourse on the aforementioned title: who dives first? Maybe next time we can explore this double standard more in length.

For all my intelligent readers out there, by “dive” in the title of this piece I am inferring oral sex; and based on the social context I have just set, I am also assuming both parties are comfortable, capable and willing to perform such practice on each other. I decided to take this one to the streets of social media and whatsapp, and asked a few people the question, Who dives first (if at all)? He or She? Here were their responses:

Lee-Ann*, 22 y.o, stage actor:

“..Isn’t that a part of foreplay? That question makes me think there’s hesitation on both parties part. I guess whoever enjoys giving oral.”

Thanto*, 25 y.o, recording artiste:

“..Dependent on the dynamics. The aggressor should initiate OS then the other, based on the understanding, return or get into penetration mode. But sex is very complex because the aggressor might not be a bowaz and would want the other to get it going. Its weird caz sex varies from person to person.

David*, 19 y.o, CARIMAC student:

“Hardly think it matters. I’d hope two adults having sex are doing so because they want to both enjoy themselves and please each other. Similarly, I assume anyone giving oral sex wants to do it so I doubt it is as calculated as “who goes first” in most instances. Whoever wants to go first should I suppose. A part of the beauty of sex is the element of surprise/spontaneity.”

Felix*, 30 y.o, teacher:

“I don’t think the responsibility to initiate oral sex should be that of one partner. Both parties should initiate whenever they please. Speaking from the heterosexual framework which I think this question was posed from, the culture of some Jamaican male is to not engage in oral sex and as such the notion is that females should initiate and be the only ones who do it. A power play dynamic is always present…. The lens is broader tho and I stick to my first point, the responsibility to initiate is not the job of only one party”

Janice*, 30 y.0, accountant:

“it depends on the feeling, and it depends on the persons and what each person is feeling for at that time. caz sometimes yuh have a man who just wants to eat! and the woman doesn’t want to return the favor then if that case he wud initiate. But what if the girl has been thinking about sucking his dick all day and he’s not thinking along those lines then she would be the one to initiate.”

Rodney*, 25 y.o, herbalist:

“gyal dem fi start it off bredda, cause without a proper erection sex will not be sex; but just two people fooling around. I think it should be the duty of the woman fi clean the rifle and kick off the game, cause a wet front from me giving her head won’t get my dick hard. there can be moments though when the man step up to the plate and kick it off; me personally like fi deal with it when me see seh she come home tired and moody; and mi deeven ask fi nuh sex after. But you see anytime mi do that G, next morning under the sheets me wake up with it inna her mouth; a just how the thing set. Cause my girl good like that. is a give and take sometimes, but by right woman fi kick it off under normal circumstances.”

Camille*, 22 y.o, writer:

“Listen, I don’t care who does it first all I know is I love sucking my man’s dick; and I think other girls would once they give it a shot. My man used to be one of those dudes acting all tough like him don’t waah do it too, but after I did it once and told him he wouldn’t get it again unless he did it to me, nigga wake me up one night and sucked me dry lol. And best believe, my man is a gangsta according to society’s standards. But I guess when you’re in a relationship compromises can be made, and this business about who dives first becomes trivial. I still love giving it to him though, first or second it don’t matter”

Well, there you have it. Ordinary Jamaicans young and old giving their views on who should dive first. Some believe it doesn’t matter, and that sex should be allowed to flow in the direction it wants to go; others are adamant that someone has to start the oral for the sex to actually happen. Personally, I say before getting into that position with someone try to have some constructive dialogue with them about it; play devil’s advocate and test your partner’s tolerance level before getting into the sheets with them. That way when you guys go to bed, there are less uncertainties because you know what turns to take on your way to the promise land. Oh, and practice safe sex everyone. Peace.

*Disclaimer: identities of respondents were changed for security reasons.





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